Leadership is an interesting topic to discuss when it comes to kids.
Often, they crave it. They respect the teachers, coaches, and other authorities in their lives who lead them day in and day out (well, mostly, anyways). They react to the leadership styles -- good or bad -- we present to them at home. And, they generally respond to leadership in positive ways.
Other times -- and often right around the early stages of puberty -- leadership, when not fully aligned with their own visions, is quite literally the bane of their existence. They complain about it. They eye roll. They slam doors. Tears come, quite often. As we’ve seen with our 16-year-old, this phase is fleeting. Thankfully.
Try talking to your kid about leaning into their own leadership -- whether it’s an opportunity to flex their own qualities or the importance of showing up as a leader in their circles -- and they’ll look at you like you’ve got two heads.
It’s time us parents started changing that.
Recently, we’ve been engaged in discussions with our teenager around the opportunity for and importance of leaning into her own version of leadership. And, it’s been an interesting experience; one worth sharing.
For background, she is a hockey player. She’s loved the game since she was four years old and the rink is literally her happy place. To see her in her element and having success at a high level brings us nothing but happiness. She has set lofty goals for herself within the game. She wants to play the game at the collegiate level and has considered making a career out of it as a coach or program-runner.
All that said, her current team is amidst an up-and-down season. The team is currently battling to maintain itself at the .500 level and seemingly need a bit of a spark to qualify for and potentially see any success in the prestigious postseason state tournament.
She’s among the team’s most skilled players and carries with her an understanding for the game and what it means to compete at a high level. Given that and the current state of the team, we’ve been discussing with her the opportunity to more intentionally lead.
She’s receptive to the need and opportunity, but it’s clear to us that it’s a challenge for her to find the right ways to lead in this moment. And, understanding all that a teenage girl endures in this day and age, it’s easy to see why.
For starters, despite confidence in her “status” within the team, there are captains who’ve been hand-picked or elected to their own positions of leadership. She certainly doesn’t want to step on their toes.
There’s also the fact that she’s just an underclassman and with that a default assumption that leadership is a role left for more senior players.
There’s also the risk of her tactics and efforts not landing with some of her teammates and the potential of her well-meaning acts leading to negative outcomes.
Yet, on the ice and in games and practices, she is a leader. She positions players for success, talks constantly on shifts with her linemates, and naturally does all the things a good leader is supposed to do. It’s the off-ice framing, communication, motivation, and direction-setting wherein her leadership opportunities lie. And, she’s trying in her own ways.
I see this as a clear growth opportunity.
She’s working with the captains and other upperclassmen to give them her perspective. These leaders and players trust in what she sees from her vantage point -- both on the ice and off. And they’re aware that the leadership and communication tactics up to this point need some support.
She’s been thinking about what she wants from this season, this team, and the game overall, and she’s trying to align that with the rest of the team.
She’s been speaking a lot about the concept of accountability. She’s seeing that how you practice is often a signal to how you play in games and has begun identifying opportunities to speak up when she sees a conflict between the two.
She’s also learning that leadership is a double-edged sword. To accept a position of leadership is to put yourself out in front with the very strong possibility of failure. Failure in her situation could come in a number of formats.
To know that she’s accepting of this risk-reward equation makes me a proud father -- no matter the outcome. This acceptance signals to me that she’s growth-driven. She’s willing to accept a reality and be a part of -- in whichever shape or form is available to her -- the team’s collective growth.
Equally important are the lessons she’ll undoubtedly learn in the ways of leadership. The nuances. The communication methods. The resistance she may face. And, of course, the potential for success impacted by her leadership efforts.
Benjamin Franklin once noted that, “out of adversity comes opportunity.”
So, I ask you this: where, how, and why (or why not) are you showing up as a leader?
Is it at work? Is it in your community? Do you take the leadership opportunities available to you at home, whether it’s in your marriage or with the family’s direction?
These are important questions to consider. And, it’s a good thing to pause to see if your relationship with leadership is befitting to the type of father, husband, and man you’re trying to be.
To be truthful, the recent discussions with our daughter around the topic have helped opened my own eyes to the ways in which I’ve been lacking when it comes to leadership.
What’s important for my daughter, for us, for anyone to remember is that leadership is often desired, but not everyone is innately a leader. Whether she succeeds as a leader or not, this early challenge to lead through adversity is an important lesson, and one that will continue to help shape her in ways that can only lead to her personal growth along with the growth of those around her.
Personally, I’ve found that I’m at my best when I’m leading. Yet, when I’m not at my best, I’m not leading well. It’s been a wakeup call for me lately to see the topic of leadership through the eyes and heart of my kid.
Leadership, or to be more specific, the acceptance of and commitment to it, has led to so many wonderful things in my life. But, I’ve often wrestled with the worry that I’m either leading where I shouldn’t be or not leading when it’s absolutely required of me.
With our daughter, we’re aligned to her personal and communal goals. In this case, it just happens to be within the context of hockey. We listened to her concerns, communicated a plan, supported her through the grey areas, and set her free to succeed (or fail) on her own.
Perhaps for all of us, a similar pause, reflection, and discussion with those that care about us could do some good, too. After all, we’re just Dads who see fatherhood as a growth journey, among other things. Who are we to not learn from the lessons we’re attempting to impart on our kids? It’s vital we’re listening to them ourselves.